


Tales of Atlantis: On the Edge of Madness

by KD writes (KDHeart), xyzmary2001



Series: Tales of Atlantis [4]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Drugs Made Them Do It, F/M, Gen, In-Universe RPF, Sex Pollen, UST, and they all had the flue, fangirls everywhere, in-universe badfic, in-universe slash, teal'c discovers fanfic, the tea made them do it, they're all nerds, well tea actually, written drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-10-16 05:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17543564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD%20writes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xyzmary2001/pseuds/xyzmary2001
Summary: It's just a simple cold. Some tea should make everything better. Except when it doesn't.Also: everyone's a nerd, Atlantis is full of fanfic and the fangirls have their cover blown by alien tea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story took a detour into crack around this point. A bit of relief before going into more serious stuff.  
> We wrote this over a weekend in November 2010 under the influence of alcohol and chocolate. I'm a bit scared of what the spelling looked like in hindsight.  
> Neither of us remembers where some of this was supposed to go.  
> We have no regrets.

It was late and the SGC was expecting a transmission from Atlantis with news of the expedition they'd sent a month ago, with no concrete results yet. Why Vala was part of that expedition was beyond Daniel's understanding. It was becoming a habit of hers to come between him and Atlantis. The first time, he had missed the Prometheus thanks to her trick with the bracelets, now this. Admittedly, it wasn't exactly her fault this time, but events kept running in that direction.

She had left with Teal'c and Sam and a small group to investigate the ruins of an Ancient outpost that might contain the one weapon that could help them against the Ori. He himself had been stuck off world at the time, accompanying SG-3 on a diplomatic expedition and had found out Vala had tagged along with Sam and Teal'c to Pegasus only after his return to Earth. Not that it affected him much - he was rather relieved to be rid of the nuisance - but he'd hoped he could see the site at least once. Even if the pendant wasn't there, maybe he could still find some clues as to its whereabouts.

A few days after the expedition's departure, they had received a message from the Atlantis base that they had experienced complete lockdown when the city was thrown into quarantine after being infected with modified alien bacteria. Luckily, they had the situation under control by the time they got in touch with Earth, but he was still a bit worried about the fate of the expedition.

 

o0o0o

"We should have waited for him! I knew we were making a mistake!"

Teal'c remained silent, looking at Vala as she continued to walk back and forth between Chuck's desk and the Stargate, repeating the same thing for the thousandth time. Of course, he wasn't content either with their current status, but the reasons were completely different -- mostly having to do with their inability to find what they were looking for. In short, Daniel's absence from Atlantis was low on his list of concerns. Vala, on the other hand, seemed to make it her first concern.

It was almost time to send the monthly report back to the SGC when Elizabeth Weir entered the control room and made a quick assessment of the situation. A smile flickered in the corner of her mouth as she crossed the room and caught the eye of a very annoyed Chuck.

"Good morning, everyone!" Elizabeth greeted them while taking her place behind the DHD. She sounded a bit hoarse and tired, but with the flu that was going around the city it was hardly a surprise. A loud sneeze broke the silence and Chuck pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket.

"I'm sorry ma'am!" he said, looking at Elizabeth who nodded in return.

Vala seemed to finally notice Elizabeth and turned to look at her with a pleading expression on her face. There was no need for words, the other woman was well aware of what she wanted. She also knew there was little chance she would approve her request.

"Elizabeth! So good to see you're feeling better already!" Vala said cheerfully, climbing the stairs. "This flu doesn't look all that serious, now does it?"

She was cut short by a loud sneeze, coming from the technician that had just entered the room. The man looked like a wreck, barely able to walk, but he somehow made it to his desk where he fell heavy in his chair with a sigh of relief.

"You were saying?"

Vala's smile was as wide as could get.

"You see, Muscles and I are in perfect health and we were wondering if-"

Teal'c's raised eyebrow and arms crossed over his muscular chest clearly suggested otherwise. Of course, he wanted to leave Atlantis just as badly, but, after so many years in the SGC, he knew the procedures too well to ask for that in the middle of an alien flu epidemic.

"I'm sorry Vala, I wish I could say 'yes', but you know I can't do that," Elizabeth answered as expected.

"Please! Look at me! Do I not look healthy to you?" she insisted, but her hope of convincing Elizabeth fade away quickly.

"Vala, I understand you, I really do. But there's nothing I can do right now. "

This being said, Elizabeth turned around, letting her know that, from her point of view, the discussion was over.

"Where's Rodney?" she asked, quite surprised by his absence. Were he there, he would have made his presence loudly announced by then. Not that the scientist was the only one missing, but unlike the others, he hadn't yet shown any symptoms. On the other hand, knowing Rodney, this was probably another reason of alarm for him.

"He radioed me in the morning from the infirmary," Chuck said. "He told me where to find the report and gave me more than detailed instructions of how to send it."

"Of course he did."

It was hard to say whether Elizabeth was really concerned or slightly amused. Rodney's hypochondria was common knowledge among the other members of the Atlantis expedition and, more or less secretly, everyone made fun of it.

"In this case I guess it can't be helped. Chuck, dial the gate and-"

"Excuse me..."

Elizabeth turned left to meet Vala's wide smile. The genuine look of innocence in her eyes was just another sign of disaster. In the last month Elizabeth had more than enough time to learn that much about Vala. If she was smiling, she had a plan and looking innocent was just the first part of it. And if she had a plan, no matter how bad, she intended to put it in action. Elizabeth sighed.

"What?"

"If we can't leave Atlantis yet, I was wondering... Could we at least have a word with the members of our team? A chat, I mean, beside the... formal report."

Of course, by that she meant Daniel Jackson, but no one felt the need to bring it up. However, after a short pause, Elizabeth found her request surprisingly reasonable and nodded.

"Yes, you can."

"Thank you!" Vala said a bit overenthusiastically and literally embraced her. She could be very childish sometimes for a woman her age -- Elizabeth thought -- but in her case, these reactions were so natural that it was hard to reject her. The woman was a walking contradiction and her childish personality made her grow on Elizabeth for reasons that completely defied the woman's logic.

"You can dial the gate now," she said to Chuck and watched Teal'c as he slowly climbed the stairs to join them.

The symbols around the gate began to activate and soon the event horizon formed in front of them, looking like a bright, iridescent pool of water. Although she had seen this image on so many occasions, Elizabeth still couldn't have enough of it.

"Stargate Command, can you hear us? This is Elizabeth Weir speaking," she said, taking a step forward.

"Dr. Weir. We... connection... not good," answered General Landry, with interruptions. Elizabeth frowned and gave Chuck a questioning look.

"Everything works fine," he assured her, his fingers moving rapidly on the keys of the small tablet in front of him. "The malfunction seems to be on their side."

"General Landry, we're going to send our report, please confirm its arrival." Elizabeth continued, hoping the general will understand as much. And apparently he did, because the answer came rather quickly.

"... received... Thank... Dr. Weir."

Next to her, Vala was staring at the Gate with a blank expression on her face.

"Do you still want to--" Elizabeth asked her and she nodded in return.

"Yes, I'll give it a try," she agreed and moved forward. When she started talking, she was almost shouting, hoping this way her message will be received.

"Daniel, are you there? If you can hear me, you should know we cannot come back yet. There is a flu epidemic in the city and, until the doctors will come up with a cure, no one can leave Atlantis. I am fine, but one of the members of the team, who was pregnant, had serious problems. She almost lost the baby the other day."

Elizabeth had no idea why Daniel Jackson would be interested in such a thing and she made a sign to Vala to stick to the essential information. She understood and continued.

"Regarding the site, it was just another dead end. You..." she hesitated and looked at Teal'c, who didn't even blink. "...don't have to come here for that." At this point, regret was welling up in her voice. "How are you? Admit it. You miss me, don't you?"

"All right, that's enough," Elizabeth cut her short. "We don't have enough power for that. Teal'c?"

The Jaffa bowed his head in her direction before speaking. "Daniel Jackson, the weapon was not on P34 5RD and the outpost had already been scavenged by the Wraith. We will return home as soon as we can."

He had been as succinct as expected and Elizabeth found herself admiring the man.

"Any news from the IOA regarding Doctor Spencer’s request?" she asked.

"...yet... expecting..."

Right. No surprise so far.

"This would be all for today. Thank you, SGC. Elizabeth Weir out."

One press of the button and the illusion of water given by the event horizon was  gone . 

It was the beginning of another day in Atlantis.

 

o0o0o

Vala had obviously taken the opportunity to add her own comments to the report. Unfortunately, they seemed to be plagued with technical difficulties that day and the transmission was a mess to figure out.

"Daniel," she said and was interrupted by static. "... cannot come back yet. ... epidemic ... until the doctors ... a cure no one ... leave Atlantis. I am fine, but ... pregnant, ... problems. ...almost lost the baby ..." was all they could make out, but they listened as she continued, clearly prompted to return to the point.

"Regarding the site ... come here ..."

He thought, for a moment, that her voice softened, but it was hard to tell.

"...you miss me," she finished.

While the others continued the briefing despite the faulty connection, Daniel remained silent, stunned by the news. For a brief moment, General Landry spared him a curious look, probably deciding to leave the comments for later, before returning his attention to Elizabeth's more objective report. At least Cameron wasn't around to pry into it.

Something wasn't quite right. What baby was she talking about?  _ Her _ baby? But when did she have time to get- Did she find someone in Atlantis already? Unless...

He didn't really dare think about it. It took weeks to convince himself that the  _ incident _ had been just one of her games. But it was recent enough - could it have really happened? Well, the morning he woke up buck naked and tied to her bed, he was pretty certain it had. She never actually confirmed that they had slept together, but it would have been so much like her to take advantage of a drunken man - especially if that man happened to be him.

"We should send some help over," he suggested, not really caring if the others were paying attention. "They can probably use some assistance and there's still the question of that weapon..."

Teal'c's report had been just as vague and hard to make out as Vala's, so no one could really object to the suggestion.

All the while, Daniel couldn't stop wondering if they really did... well... make a baby that night.

 

o0o0o

"Now, who's heard this before? After space Ebola, alien flu! What's next? Actually, better not go there -- we've already made a habit of tempting fate, it seems." Catherine sighed, looking for a handkerchief to wipe her nose, now very red and shiny. "Atlantis has fallen under a wicked curse, I can tell," she continued, looking at Rodney, who was lying in a bed next to hers.

He nearly winced. "Would you please stop calling it that? It gives me the creeps."

Thankfully, it had worked out alright and no one suffered any long term damage - nothing serious, at least. There had been an increased amount of headaches, 24 hour fevers and some nosebleeds, but it was generally a question of taking lots of vitamins and the occasional pain killers.

Rodney being Rodney had found a few more reasons of complain, but none of the tests confirmed his suspicions and he had stopped expressing his theories all together rather than hear Catherine compare the recent outbreak to Ebola one too many times.

"A curse indeed," he muttered.

They were still recovering from the last epidemic when another one hit the city. Of course, the flu was not as serious or life threatening as the previous one, but... they should really be more careful in the future.

This time, everything started with the return of Major Lorne and his team from P3X - 7G9, where they had encountered a small community of farmers and villagers who had accepted to trade with them for food. The mission was a success and they all seemed to be in perfect condition of health, fact confirmed through analysis and blood samples. However, a few days later, they returned to the infirmary accusing strong headaches and muscle soreness and it didn't take long to put a name to their condition -- flu.  _ Alien _ flu.

Two more days and almost every single person in Atlantis had passed through the infirmary with the same problem. Catherine tried to help everyone while working on a cure and ended up in a bed soon after, too sick to move and too bitchy to remain silent.

The flu that had seized the base was exactly what they needed - except the few rather serious cases, nothing could compare to the sniffling and sneezing that reverberated all throughout the base.

To top it off, Rodney and Catherine were now stuck together as companions in suffering, after not-quite-avoiding one of each other for weeks. After the thing with the quarantine, he'd spent almost a week in the infirmary -- Dr. Biro would have discharged him after a few days, but he'd managed to convince her that he was still a high-risk patient. Meanwhile, Catherine had been bedridden in her own chamber, exhausted after the marathon to find the cure and just as worn out by the darn bug as the rest of them. Afterwards, they'd been so caught up with putting everything back in order that they'd barely had time to say 'hi' to one another.

And there was also Sam. The moment she walked out of the event horizon, Rodney thought he was dreaming. She was just as beautiful and brilliant as he remembered her in his hallucinations - he still couldn't decide if it was her body of her mind he was longing for, but he would probably never get the chance to find out. His daydreaming must have been rather obvious, since John poked him between the ribs to get him back on track.

And here they were now. Catherine insisted it wasn't serious and kept trying to convince her colleagues to let her resume her work, while Rodney kept insisting they do more tests to make sure it wasn't a delayed effect of the previous outbreak.

On the other hand, he had felt quite lonely before Catherine joined him, so he was almost grateful for her presence, regardless the undeniable tension between them. Since all the recent events had prevented them from having a serious talk, the shadow of that interrupted kiss was still haunting him. Judging by her behavior, she didn't forget about it either.

"What do you know about Sheppard? God knows he deserves this more than we do," she asked, as if reading his thoughts. It had been a while since he had last seen Sheppard and he was beginning to think he was avoiding him.

"I heard he had the sniffles," Rodney said, breaking his own chain of thought. It wasn't the most technical term to describe it, but everyone who wasn't in the infirmary was walking around with what could be described as the sniffles. "He insists he's going to pull through it with lots and lots of chicken soup."

There was no doubt in Rodney's mind that John would soon join them, though he secretly hoped he would be assigned a bed next to Zelenka. Radek had been part of the expedition that had returned with the new treaty  _ and _ the flu, so he had been among the first to catch it. He had also insisted on working on despite the first signs of cold - worse yet, he was working alongside Rodney, so there was no mystery as to how he'd caught his own flu.

The good part was that he enjoyed the food and the company (at least when he wasn't worrying about what to say - to the company, of course, not the food).

 

o0o0o

Catherine gave him a quick look.  _ Sniffles! _ What a quaint little word -- it reminded her of the times before she started studying for her medical degree and she thought large amounts of chicken soup were the perfect cure for 'the sniffles'. That, and a large supply of paper tissues. It was amazing how funny some of the members of the team found the situation -- they had barely survived a serious outburst of a highly dangerous alien bacteria and they were now restricted from off-world missions by a (not quite) common flu. On her side, Catherine refused to refer to it as such, mostly because she felt it would sound blasphemous coming from a trained medical practitioner. That didn't stop her colleagues, however.

"Can you believe I've heard one of my nurses say she wouldn't mind catching the flu from him? And she was actually saying it like it was something very romantic!" Catherine sighed, turning to look at him. "I don't understand. You are smart, handsome and, compared to him, also modest. How can he drive them crazy like that?"

She reached out to touch his fingers and continued. "I really like you, Rodney, never doubt that. Besides, you are the only one here as smart as I am, and that says it all."

"Does that mean you wouldn't mind catching the flu from me?" he joked. After a moment's thought, he added, sounding mortified, "Or that there's something... romantic between me and Radek?"

"Too late for that, Rodney!" she laughed, her fingers still touching his. Besides, she wasn't the romantic type. Not when 'romantic' was so close to 'idiotic', at least.

The mere thought of Rodney being romantically involved with the Czech made her smile. Still, she didn't feel the need to stress the fact that they bickered like an old couple sometimes, especially when they were arguing for some scientific nonsense. In fact, on second thought, they were almost too cute to watch.

"Oh, I certainly hope not," she couldn't help saying. "I'd feel rather weird having Radek as a rival," she added with a wink. "Don't get me wrong, I  _ do _ prefer Radek over an entire fan club, but..."

Thank God, Radek's bed was on the other side of the room. Catherine herself felt she was taking the joke a bit too far and she wasn't sure he would like this particular turn it seemed to be taking.

She noticed him looking at her and gave him a smile.

"Look, maybe, when this whole mess with the flu is over, we can give the date another try?" he finally asked.

"No hidden cameras or backup plans, this time," he promised.

"So it  _ was _ a backup plan!" she hissed, trying unsuccessfully to look offended. Were they in some other place, she might have thrown a pillow at him. Actually, his suggestion made her happy and she just couldn't hide it. She didn't even try.

"I thought you'll never ask," she eventually answered with a smile, only to be cut short by a loud sneeze.

"As long as you don't decide to pair me off with another guy..." His face creased into a horrified expression. "Second thought, better not give you any ideas," he said.

Considering the amount of nerds required to run an expedition on an alien world, there was a rich and vibrant collection of fanfic lurking in the depths of said expedition’s Intranet. Not everyone participated in that culture, but it was mostly an open secret that everyone suspected. Everyone, that is, except Catherine, who had been too busy going through her education at an accelerated pace that didn’t allow her to find the more delectable sides of nerdom. 

Catherine was about to ask for a clarification when she heard a loud sneeze nearby, followed by another one from across the room.

"I am not deaf, Rodney!" cried Zelenka from his bed at the other end of the infirmary. "Never underestimate the lengths some of our colleagues would go to--"

"To liven up the dreary experience of an internet-less existence," finished Colonel Sheppard before sneezing again.

Just when she thought her day was getting better! When did he get to the infirmary?

Rolling her eyes, she refused to acknowledge his presence. Even so, she could still sense his annoying half-smile. Arrogant bastard!

"Oh, I'm sure you found a better way to help some of our internet-addicts, Colonel!" If he had a problem with her attitude, he could take it up with the John Sheppard Appreciation Society, she thought. It wouldn’t be long now before her nurses would start fawning over him. 

"I'm sure I'm not the only who can satisfy the girls' need for fan-service," John said with a smirk "They can definitely find an interesting use for you, too, Rodney."

"Yes, thank you for that," said Rodney, dryly. "Did you suddenly decide you miss us?"

"Just popping by to tell you Teyla's been talking with the locals and they promised to provide us with a cure for this. Apparently, we'll all be fine after we have a spot of tea." The British accent he affected at the end really didn't suit him.

From the other side of the room, Radek intervened again. "Maybe with a twist of lemon?"

Catherine was too busy taking in John’s disheveled appearance to defend poor Rodney from the nefarious threat of citrus. The cheap charm was probably enough to get the gaggle drooling, even without the stupid British accent. 

As if to confirm her opinion, Stephanie was carefully assessing the man's ass as if taking notes for later. It made Catherine wonder how the woman made it through the day at all with all these distractions. She was starting to think John was like catnip for nurses. This didn’t endear him to her any better. 

 

o0o0o

Her shift in the infirmary that day proved very enlightening for Stephanie. New dynamics were starting to take shape between her fellow expedition members and she was eager to absorb all the new information. 

Stephanie had always had a passion for writing. Mostly as a way to relax, never as something she’d wanted to do for a living, so that had translated into a near constant presence in fannish circles, even before she had had access to the internet. She grew up reading her mother’s old zines and her formative years were spent on message boards she was hardly old enough to use. The fact that Atlantis wasn’t connected to the World Wide Web had only proven a problem for the first few days, before a bunch of the nurses (and some of the members of the science team) had awkwardly admitted to their hobbies and… the Intranet was slowly graced with their talents. 

Their small archive snowballed from a few stories inspired by their favorite shows back home, to increasingly obscure pieces of media and, to the chagrin of some of them, a lot of RPF. She had always been advised to “write what you know” and what else could she know better than the people around her? Besides, life on Atlantis was more interesting than any soap opera. And you could cross it over with anything!

She particularly liked Rodney/Zelenka, their bickering was immensely fun when not directed at oneself. However, she had recently started to consider the possibility of a romantic triangle, but she couldn’t decide between Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne as the third part of this delicious mess. 

With a last appraising glance into the room before heading out, Stephanie appended her decision to  _ threesome _ . Definitely threesome. The quicker she wrote it, the sooner she could lure her friends onto this new ship. 

 

o0o0o

Radek watched her leave, slightly worried with the situation. 

"I really hope she wasn't thinking what I think she was thinking," he muttered. 

The Czech had had stumbled onto the more interesting parts of their internal network back when they were a feeble collection of files dreaming of becoming an archive. He was there to watch it grow and eventually get out of hand. The experience had taught him that most of his colleagues did not have much writing talent to speak of. Some were fine enough - the characters were in character and the plots (or lack thereof) were compelling. A few were rather well written. What surprised him was the amount of space devoted to stories about members of the expedition. The mere presence of their names in the summaries sent shivers down his spine -- he would never admit to actually reading any of them, except in the name of scientific curiosity.

He had recognized on Stephanie's face a certain look that made him recall those stories in which his or John's name was present alongside Rodney's or Ronon's, usually separated by a slash. 

Sheppard and Doctor Spencer on the other hand looked genuinely confused. He could tell they had no idea what lurked in cyberspace. Oh, the innocence!

"I'll leave you alone then," Colonel Sheppard said to no one in particular. "There's some details I need to discuss with Colonel Carter about their expedition here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Periodic reminder that this was written nine years ago while we were very drunk. Bits of the chapter were removed because we can't remember what the hell they were supposed to be about.   
> The rating is going up to an M, mostly for language and some brief smuttiness in the in-universe fanfics.

In her room, Samantha Carter was trying to figure out what to do about getting back home. She had instructed Vala to explain their condition and decline help from another team. It would be useless to get more people involved in this wild goose chase. However, she couldn't help feeling there was still a chance to find the pendant in the Pegasus galaxy.

For the time being, they were stuck in Atlantis along with everyone else because of nothing more than a flu. Sure, even the most common earth flu could kill, but it was a bit embarrassing to have to explain that you had to postpone your mission because of this.

She only had a mild form and she'd been treating it with tea (allegedly, chamomile, but you couldn’t be sure with alien equivalents) from the onset. It didn't exactly work wonders, but she was drinking so much of it, she couldn’t look a flower in the eye ever again. 

At least the situation gave her time to decide if they were to go back to Earth once the quarantine was lifted or if they should follow up on some more improbable leads.

The silence of the room was occasionally broken by Teal'c's sneezing. It worried her slightly, but this seemed to be the only symptom the Jaffa displayed -- the Tretonin was doing its job well at replacing Junior.

o0o0o

Back on Earth, Daniel Jackson, along with a team which was supposed to be sent to Atlantis in a few weeks time, were ready for departure.

Aside from a few hastily added medical officers and Dr. Jackson, the team consisted of several military officers sent to replace fellow officers unable to perform off-world missions any longer and a few new additions to the research staff.

Despite Vala's warnings about an epidemic, the reports said nothing of the sort, and opinions had been split rather they should send out a new team this soon or wait for further information from Atlantis. At the insistence of Dr. Jackson, the expedition was being sent ahead of time - officially to assist with any medical difficulties Atlantis was facing and to determine if the search for the pendant should be continued; unofficially, to quell the varying degrees of concern and excitement the members of said expedition were experiencing since the briefing from the previous night.

Among the accompanying officers, Daniel recognized Major Coburn. He may had left command of SG-2 under mysterious circumstances, but Daniel was glad to have him around, the man having helped them out of many sticky situations in the past.

The research team itself was mostly comprised of people he had worked with before, with one exception. Miranda Sharp was doing her best to avoid him, so he paid particular attention to her file in search of why. She was a new addition to the Stargate project with an eclectic collection of degrees and almost degrees that occasionally intersected with Daniel’s own academic work.  She had come to the SGC's attention with a thesis that paralleled his own research at the time. She had been hired soon after.

He couldn’t quite place her, despite the obvious points of interaction. The idea that she could have been one of his own students was dismissed almost as soon as it crossed his mind.

o0o0o

After leaving the control room, Vala went straight to her room and closed the door. She could clearly see Daniel wasn't interested in her - at least that was the conclusion she reached when he didn't answer her message. Of course, there was a chance that Daniel was on an off-world mission, but she had her doubts about that. It wasn't like he was the only man around or the best choice for her - Vala realized that a long time ago - but she just couldn't help the disappointment she felt.

Luckily, she wasn't the depressive type and after less than half an hour from the message she was feeling much better. Smiling, she opened the door and almost bumped into the ranking military officer of the Atlantis mission. She made one step back and offered him the most shining smile of her arsenal.

"John! I didn't expect to see you around," she said, looking up to see his face. A moment later, she realized he was probably there to see Samantha, whose room was next to hers. "I was heading to the mess hall for breakfast, would you like to join me?" she asked anyway.

"Sorry, I was just... I was going to see Colonel Carter about...a thing," he said, looking adorably awkward . "I should be going," he added by way of excuse and hurried to the next door over.

''As you wish." Watching him leave, Vala felt slightly amused. To be fair, the earthlings were quite strange - she had reached that conclusion more than once after meeting Daniel Jackson and SG-1. With a little shrug, Vala turned around and headed to the mess hall. 

o0o0o

Luckily, John got the right door this time and both Sam and Teal'c were there.

"Um, hi," he greeted.

"Hi! Anything come up?" Sam asked, closing her laptop.

"Teyla should be back later today with some new tea. Apparently it's a wonder cure or something. The locals were really surprised we didn't know about it."

Sam smiled. "Well, isn't that how it usually goes?"

"I guess. Actually, I wanted to ask you if you'll keep looking for what you were looking for in the first place once this whole flu thing's over."

Before she could answer, Teal'c cut her off with a sneeze.

"It depends. Are you worried about something?"

"Yes. Vala." He tried to soften his remark with another one of his rueful smiles, but it didn't quite do the trick.

Sam waved him off.  "Don't mind her, she makes a lot of people nervous."

o0o0o

On P3X - 7G9, Teyla was supervising the packing of the promised plants. It wasn't a big load, but the leaves and flowers had to be carefully selected. The fruit was used in the treatment of another ailment and usually gave off side effects if drank by a relatively healthy person. It still left her with two bagfuls of indigenous plant and more than a handful of very guilt stricken village elder.

"It has never occurred to us that outsiders could be so susceptible to our weather. We never see the symptoms you've described this time of year. Come winter..."

"We come from a much... warmer world." She didn't really feel up to a talk about viruses, antibodies and the already weakened state of the crew's immune system.

"My daughter and her family would be honored if you would join us for dinner," he said hopefully.

Looking at her watch, Teyla approved. "The honor would be on my side." She wasn't due to contact Atlantis until midnight.

o0o0o

Catherine didn't like Vala very much. She knew there wasn't really a reason behind that; she just couldn't get herself to like the former goa'uld. 

Sure, she was close to Daniel and he was her best friend, but that was probably part of why she didn’t like her. He probably even reciprocated, but that didn’t mean much when he was as ridiculously unlucky in love as he was. The last thing he needed was a pushy ex-goa’uld who flirted with every man than crossed her path. 

Just the other day, she saw her with Colonel Sheppard,  _ again _ , presumably having breakfast. Anyway, they seemed more interested in each other than in the food. 

Poor Daniel. 

Back then, she managed to keep her mouth shut, but if she was going after Rodney as well...

"Rodney, what do you think about Vala?" she asked matter-of-factly, looking at him as innocent as she could.

"Well, she's good looking, stubborn, strong, a good fighter, and you'd be crazy not to like her," he answered, a bit too promptly.

"Crazy or with very low standards," Catherine muttered. 

She really wasn't pleased with his answer. Seeing Vala throw herself at every breathing biped male on Atlantis was bad enough. Thinking Rodney was interested in her was almost outrageous - she had pegged the man for having a bit more brains than that. Heck, she had considered his brains reason enough to risk her emotional safety on him. 

She was starting to doubt that. 

"I hear she's after Daniel. I don't see why you'd be worrying about her... unless you were after him yourself." 

Maybe she was mistaken, but he didn't sound very pleased with this conclusion really. 

"You're not, are you? I'd understand you falling for Sheppard - the danger, the adventure, the hair - but what does Daniel have that I don't? Except the Ascension thing and coming back from the dead, but I don't see how that has to do with anything."

"Do I sense a hint of jealousy in your voice, Rodney?" she teased. "Had you asked me the same thing when I was younger, I would have said yes, maybe," she admitted. "At that time, I strongly believed I was in love with Daniel. He was the only one who cared for me when my mother died, so..."

She looked at Rodney and reached out to touch his hand again, trying to make him relax a bit.

"I'm not denying my attachment to Daniel, Rodney, but he's like a brother to me. I  _ am  _ concerned about Vala hurting him. Especially if he likes her. That's all. As for the other one...  C’mon, I don't even  _ like  _ him!"

Watching Rodney's face, she felt an inexplicable shiver of guilt running through her.

"OK, that was completely out of left field," Rodney interjected. "How long  _ have _ you known Daniel? I know he's a generally nice guy, but your timeline goes way back.”

"Will you two stop bickering for one minute?" Radek interrupted from across the room. "I still think a bit of sleep can do wonders for this forsaken cold," he said, turning on his side so he wouldn't be looking at the two any longer.

Catherine just smiled.

"And stop telling Rodney he's modest!" she heard him saying. "It's only going to his head and it's already big enough. I'm afraid it might explode."

o0o0o

It can be funny how time doesn't stay the same from planet to planet, even if you got used to it after a fair amount of off-world travel.

When Teyla left P3X - 7G9 it was almost midnight. Crossing the event horizon of the Stargate, she found herself in Atlantis at midday, with Elizabeth eagerly waiting for her return. They didn't chat, there was no time for chatting. Dr. Weir simply hurried her to the kitchen where the tea would be brewed.

A little way behind them, Vala was watching their actions with bored interest. She could only wish they'd move faster and get on with it so she could be authorized to leave Atlantis and go back to Daniel. She was starting to miss that annoyed look he had on his face whenever he talked to her and the cute way he frowned whenever she pushed him to the limits of his well-known patience.

o0o0o

Catherine awoke to the reverberating sound of a backfiring motorcycle. 

After the first moments of confusion, she realized the ungodly sounds were coming from the bed next to her and the still slumbering Rodney, mouth agape and cuddling his pillow. She reached out one foot to nudge him and nearly fell out of bed. Before she could try anything else, Stephanie entered the room carrying a giant pitcher of tea and a tray of mugs.

Finally, the much awaited tea was in sight.

"Please tell me that is what I think it is. I'm dying of thirst here," she called. 

The woman stopped and turned to her.

"It's the medicinal tea Teyla brought back from P3X - 7G9. The villagers insist it's the best cure for the flu and gave us a huge batch of the plant. I think they feel sorry for getting us sick in the first place."

Catherine wondered for a second how on Earth -- or Atlantis, whatever -- they managed to remember all the codes for the planets and snorted.

"Whatever, I'm parched. Give it here!"

She didn't put much faith in 'traditional' remedies, least of all in tea, but that didn't mean she'd say no to a nice, hot mug of the stuff.

As Stephanie poured her a mug, another loud snore resounded from Rodney. This time, Catherine really couldn't help herself and threw her pillow at the unsuspecting scientist.

Startled out his sleep, Rodney bolted upright. "What? Wha-?"

"I didn't know you snored that badly," Catherine said unperturbed.

Rodney looked indignant. "I have a stuffy nose, thank you!"

Stephanie, with a glint in her eyes, handed him the mug she had poured for Catherine. "Here, this should make you feel better."

"Oh, thank you," Rodney said, taking the proffered mug. 

Taking a deep breath, Catherine jumped out of bed and reached for the pitcher. 

"Look, give me the tray and I'll take care of everything. You can go... make some more or something… I need at least a full pitcher for myself!” 

She waved the nurse off curtly and started to distribute the tea, keeping two mugs for herself.

Within three hours, the promised effects started kicking in and she felt well enough to discharge herself along with what was left of the pitcher.

o0o0o

Elizabeth sat down at her desk, intending to catch up on the recent developments around the station. She opened her laptop while absentmindedly reaching for a mug of tea. Her cold wasn't all that bad, but a cup of tea generally did the trick and this tea was particularly tasty. She made a note of asking the villagers for some more later on.

She was greeted by a few message alerts, one containing a link to someplace on the intranet. Lately, people had been increasingly using it just as they would the internet back on Earth. Last she checked, they even had rival search engines and there were a few... interesting bits of information she wished she hadn't ran into. 

It was titled  _ Two Hearts, One Destiny  _ and had a warning for  _ lemons?  _ Maybe it was something not intended for Rodney.

Her cursor hovered above the link but, before she could click, Chuck called her from the Gate Room. There was an off-world activation.

"It's Earth," Chuck told her.

"What are they thinking? We clearly told them not to come," she said, rushing out of her office.

The expedition walked through the Gate, led by a rather confused-looking Daniel Jackson. After a moment's hesitation, he walked toward Elizabeth, who was climbing down the stairs to greet them.

"What's going on here, Dr. Jackson? We told you not to come -- there's a serious case of the flu going around," she said before she reached the end of the stairs.

"Flu?" Daniel asked incredulously. "Vala told us you were in the middle of an epidemic, again. It sounded serious."

"All the more reason for you not to come! You're welcome, of course, but this goes well against procedure."

One of the officers stepped forward. "I believe there's been a failure in communication. Stargate Command had decided you need a little help after what you've been through last time. May I speak to the ranking officer of the base?" he asked.

"I'm afraid we haven't been introduced," Elizabeth said, holding out her hand. "Dr. Elizabeth Weir, the leader of this expedition," she said, looking him in the eye and deciding she liked the man.

"Major Michael Coburn, pleased to meet you, ma'am. I've been assigned to replace Major Callaway."

"I'm afraid Colonel Sheppard is still in the infirmary, but you're probably hungry after the trip. I understand the food on the Middle Station isn't all that appetizing." 

She spotted Kusanagi in the background and, after searching her memory for the woman's first name, called her over. "Miko, can you please escort our guests to the spare rooms and then show them the mess hall, thank you?"

A cheerful Kusanagi jumped to the occasion and urged them to follow her.

"We've just got this brilliant new tea," Elizabeth told Daniel. "You should  _ definitely _ try it."

o0o0o

The first thing Catherine did once in her room was to turn on her laptop. She hadn't checked her messages in three days and she wasn't surprised to find there weren't a lot of them. Three mission reports, a couple of test results, a misplaced greeting card -- they should really try to fix that! -- and a link to a strangely named file on the intranet,  _ Two Hearts, One Destiny, _ whatever that was. It was marked 'WARNING: Lemon -- don't like, don't read' and, on a quick skim, it looked like a story about... Sheppard and Teyla?!

"Wait,  _ what? _ "

She looked over the text again and a phrase caught her attention. 

"The fire of her passion burned her into confessing her feelings?" she read it aloud. "When the hell did that happen?" she asked incredulously and continued to read on.

_ The rain continued to pour outside the cavern. Teyla huddled closer to John, his warmth complementing that of the flames. The heat of the fire reflected in her eyes and she sighed. _

_ Looking at her, John realized how beautiful she was and wondered why he hadn't realized that before. In a hoarse whisper he asked "Is your ankle better?" _

"When did  _ this _ happen?" Catherine asked the empty room and took another sip of tea. 

She decided there might be a clue in the text further on so she kept reading. Last she checked, intimate relationships between members of the same team were strongly disapproved.

_ Teyla sighed and answered, staring at the flames "I don't think I can make it to the Stargate. I'm afraid we'll have to spend the night here or we might risk running into the Wraith from earlier." _

_ The thought that if he had been only moments later he would have lost Teyla made John quiver. He sighed. "Don't worry. I think we'll be safe here," he told her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "You stay here and warm up, I'll go stand guard at the entrance." _

_ Before he could stand, Teyla grabbed his arm. "Please don't go. I'm... I'm afraid of what might happen to you." _

_ John had never before imagined Teyla could actually worry over him. _

Catherine nearly spluttered her tea over the monitor. She didn't laugh, but the scene definitely deserved it. It wasn't like John to play the male romantic lead in a Barbara Cartland novel, not that she had  _ ever _ read one, at least not after she turned five. Hazard of Hearts didn’t count. 

_ John turned around and looked her intently in the eye. "Are you sure you won't feel safer with me on guard?" _

" _ Yes. I..." _

_ The fire of her passion burned her into confessing her feelings. She shouldn't, not here, not now. He was the leader of her team, the man she looked up to and trusted with her heart and soul -- could she betray the trust he had in her and reveal she saw him as more than that? _

_ He knelt before her and cupped her chin so their eyes could be level. "You what?" _

" _ I... I'm afraid... I will never get another chance to tell you... " _

Catherine stopped and stood up. She felt the unstoppable urge to light a cigarette, which was terribly wrong since she didn't even smoke. She paced the room for a while, looking for the reason for her sudden restlessness.

Something inside her told her she  _ had  _ to get to the bottom of this. There had to be something in the story that would tell her if it was real or just... She had to know how low Colonel Sheppard would stoop given the chance. 

It was just intellectual curiosity, really.

" _ Tell me what?" he insisted in a whisper. _

" _ If I tell you and you do not like what I have to say, will you promise it will never leave this cavern?" _

" _ Yes, do you not trust my discretion?" _

" _ I... I have fallen in love with you, Colonel," she said hesitantly. _

" _ How could you be so foolish?" he asked and, before she could pull away, he wrapped her in a tight embrace. "It's been months since I've been meaning to tell you the same thing," he confessed. "The only thing that held me back was your relationship with Ronon." _

" _ What relationship with Ronon?" she asked surprised. "He and I are only friends, two outsiders among the earthlings." _

_ John sighed and his lips sought hers. Their first kiss was soft and tender, enveloped in the warmth of the fire. _

_ As the two continued exploring their feelings, the rain poured in an unstoppable torrent over planet P3X - H2O. _

"OK, we have coordinates now," Catherine mumbled. She grabbed her radio and called Chuck, the technician. "Chuck, do you read? This is Catherine Spencer."

"I read you Dr. Spencer, but we're a bit busy at the moment. A delegation from-"

"It will only take a minute. Can you send me the reports for P3X - H2O? I need to check something important."

"Right away, Doc.," he said and she could hear him hitting the keys.

"Thank you, Chuck."

She set down the radio and turned back to her laptop. Before opening the report, she took another sip of lovely tea.

It looked like Teyla and Sheppard had indeed been separated from the rest of the team and they hadn't been found until the next morning. What was most interesting was that the woman indeed had a twisted ankle. No mistake then, at least part of the story was true.

She decided to look through the other stories in the archive. A lot were about Sheppard and Teyla and had the same  _ lemon _ warning, whatever that meant. Randomly, she clicked on another story and her eyes flew to a rather expressive paragraph.

_ She licked into the kiss, sliding her tongue with his. John sat her on the bed, sliding her blouse off. Her skin was burning hot. _

She stopped reading to wonder if under the circumstance it would have been a more romantic gesture for John to send Teyla to the infirmary rather than... fuck her.

She looked over the other stories and decided they were all along similar lines.  _ Burning hot  _ skin,  _ the fire of her/his passion, their tongues fought for supremacy  _ and so much sighing, you wondered if their brains weren't just using it as an excuse to stall.

Wondering why her mug was empty, she poured herself some more tea, sat in front of the laptop and turned on her word processor. She intended to make a report of what she had found to Elizabeth. Unfortunately, her mind was full of the images the stories stirred up in her head. Before she could realize what was going on, she had already started typing away at her very own story.

_ It was already dark when the team stepped through the Stargate and was greeted by a desolating sight. The Gate was right in the middle of what once had been a flourishing city that had now been reduced to ruins. _

o0o0o

Elizabeth returned to her office to notice her tea had gone cold. Not a big loss since it seemed to be just as good.

She sat at her desk and tried to pin down where she knew Major Coburn from. She was certain she knew him from before, but he had left SG-2 before she started working with the SGC. She added a bit more haughtiness, longer hair and her mind provided a leather kilt -- Lord Camulus. Genetics was such a funny thing. Two men - one inhabited by a parasitic symbiote - borne light-years away and, possibly, hundreds of years apart, ended up looking so much alike. 

She set the thought aside for the moment and turned her laptop back on. 

The link was still there, waiting to be clicked.

She skimmed through the story, not really impressed by the mushiness, or the literary abilities of the writer. Seriously, who would write the likes of:

" _ I... I have fallen in love with you, Colonel," she said hesitantly. _

" _ How could you be so foolish?" he asked and, before she could pull away, he wrapped her in a tight embrace. "It's been months since I've been meaning to tell you the same thing," he confessed. "The only thing that held me back was your relationship with Ronon." _

" _ What relationship with Ronon?" she asked surprised. "He and I are only friends, two outsiders among the earthlings." _

_ John sighed and his lips sought hers. Their first kiss was soft and tender, enveloped in the warmth of the fire. _

Aside from everything else, they were completely out of character.

It wasn't the greatest of offences, but she needed to get to the source before it spread.

She gulped down some more tea and decided to look around the archive for any clue regarding its creator before taking it down. What she saw greatly exceeded her expectations. There were over 200 stories solely describing what seemed to be the amorous adventures of members of the expedition and twice as many themed by various movies, books or TV shows. Out of curiosity, she started sifting through the ones starring her colleagues.

Apparently, the preferred couples were John/Rodney, John/Ronon, Rodney/Radek, John/Teyla and variations thereof. To her amazement, there were even threesomes and moresomes (whatever those were). There was even one story chronicling John's tumultuous relationship with a Wraith Queen.

"This is wrong," she murmured. "Who on this whole base would actually consider..."

There were actually _ a few _ centered on Wraith Queens, so she left the comment drop and shook her head.

Clearly, they had to go. One Ctrl+Alt later, all the stories were ready for removal when her eyes fell on the summary for one starring herself and... System Lord Camulus.

Startled, she left the deleting for later and decided to see what the story was about.

There were over two hundred pages of epic romance...

o0o0o

In his room, Teal'c sat typing.

o0o0o

Recently discharged, Rodney walked into the Lab to find a crowd of people clustered around Kusanagi's tablet. Apparently, everyone had forgotten about the current project and were enjoying God knows what.

"Isn't anyone here supposed to do some work?" he asked.

Before he finished the question, they had all dispersed, leaving poor Kusanagi alone with the dragon.

"I am sorry sir, I was just showing them-"

"I don't care, just go back to work, everyone."

Those who didn't have anything to do, pretended they did. Kusanagi was about to follow their example when he stopped her.

"You get me some more of that tea from the infirmary, won't you? Thanks," he said.

Before she could leave the Lab, a few others insisted she should bring some back for them as well, so she decided to bring a whole pitcher while she was at it.

Rodney put his tablet on the table and turned it on. He had a message from Elizabeth, one from Chuck, letting him know about the transmission malfunction from that morning, and a link. He had no idea who the link was from -- the nickname DarkAngel said nothing to him -- but he clicked it, hoping it wasn't another screamer from John.

_ The rain continued to pour outside the cavern. Teyla huddled closer to John, his warmth complementing that of the flames. The heat of the fire reflected in her eyes and she sighed. _

_ Looking at her, John realized how beautiful she was and wondered why he hadn't realized that before. In a hoarse whisper he asked "Is your ankle better?" _

It wasn't. It was worse.

He read on. It looked oddly familiar.

_ The fire of her passion burned her into confessing her feelings. She shouldn't, not here, not now. He was the leader of her team, the man she looked up to and trusted with her heart and soul -- could she betray the trust he had in her and reveal she saw him as more than that? _

_ He knelt before her and cupped her chin so their eyes could be level. "You what?" _

" _ I... I'm afraid... I will never get another chance to tell you... " _

It was  _ fan fiction _ ; he could tell from back in his days as a Star Trek fan.

He could only hope it was the first of its kind on Atlantis and he had to find its source before it spread like wildfire.

To his mortification, it wasn't. There already was a decently sized fan fiction archive on their intranet, well hidden enough to pass unnoticed during superficial checks and inconspicuous enough not to alert the antivirus.

"OK, who's behind this?" he asked everyone present. Before they could answer, his eyes fell on one of the pairings -- Rodney/Radek _. Slash? _ They were writing  _ slash _ about  _ him _ ? His face grew pale and he plopped into his chair.

"Behind what?" asked Kusanagi, setting down the pitcher on the desk next to him.

He looked at her in despair. "Nothing, nothing. Just... give me a minute."

"Alright. Here's your tea," she said, throwing him a look of adulation from behind her thick glasses.

Rodney looked at his tea, took a sip, and ignored her. He had more pressing matters to solve. Like finding out who on earth was Kaname-chan and why she wrote seven stories slashing him and Zelenka.

Curiosity got the better of him and he opened the first he could find,  _ Well Kept Secrets. _ It was surprisingly well written, if you were into the sort of thing. In fact, he was  _ terrified _ at how well written and detailed it was. It had angst! Why? What was there to angst over in his relationship with the Czech? They couldn't stand each other. Period. There was nothing to angst over, no flame to light, no burning desire.  _ Especially _ no burning desire.

_ Rodney watched him leave, knowing his words had deeply hurt him. "I couldn't hate you if I tried. Things are complicated, Radek..." _

" _ Even if they weren't..." _

And the ellipses! What was up with the ellipses? How many times had people seen him lost for words?

_ Radek knelt by the battered body of his friend. Tears filling his eyes, he could no longer hold back the words. "Miluji te" he whispered. Rodney opened his eyes, but he couldn't understand what he meant _

"Of course I couldn't," he said aloud. "At least they got that part right."

He was a bit surprised to see people staring at him but they returned to work once they realized he had seen them.

With a murderous glare directed at his subordinates, he picked up his radio and contacted Zelenka. How many of them had read the fic?

"Zelenka, where are you?"

"Still in the infirmary, Rodney. Some of us were actually sick, you know."

"Look, very funny. I need you to translate something for me. What does  _ Miluji te _ mean?"

Kusanagi and a few other stared at him frozen in their seats.

"It means  _ I love you _ , Rodney, and don't take me literally," he added hurriedly. "Should I take that to mean you've been reading slash about us?"

"Yeah, I was reading  _ Well-  _ Wait a sec. How did you know that? And don't sound so innocent about it!"

"You were reading  _ Well Kept Secrets?  _ It's pretty good, actually... except for the angst, the mushiness and the cast of characters."

"You  _ knew _ about it?" Rodney was aghast.

"I've been trying to delete that archive three times now. It keeps coming back from the dead every damn time. I eventually gave up."

"Do you happen to know who wrote them?"

"If I did, they probably wouldn't still be up. Too many security protocols."

"Great help you've been. I'll find them myself."

"Good luck," Zelenka said cheerfully.

Closing the radio, Rodney set himself to uncovering the source of this new epidemic.

o0o0o

Somewhere in the infirmary, a panicking Stephanie grabbed her radio.

"What is going on with you? You sent the new chapter to everyone! Not  _ everyone  _ in the group _ , everyone  _ in Atlantis! What if they delete everything again?"

"Don't worry, Kaname-chan has a backup of everything, like she always does," a mysterious voice answered from the other side of the city.

"It's one thing having Dr Zelenka run into us, but Dr Weir? Dr McKay?”

"Kaname-chan assured me she has her back well covered."

o0o0o

There was a knock on Teal'c's door followed by Samantha's voice.

"Teal'c? Daniel is here. Do you want to join us for lunch?" she asked.

"I will join you later. Tell Daniel Jackson I am a little busy at the moment," he answered, taking another sip of tea and going back to writing.

o0o0o

Vala was eating alone again and it was starting to worry her. She didn't want this to turn into a habit.

Too bored to actually eat, she was using her fork to chase her food around the plate when she heard a familiar voice in the hallway. 

To her surprise, Daniel walked into the mess hall, accompanied by a number of other people that looked like they just came from Earth. The sight of him threw off any sign of boredom and she threw herself around his neck before he even had the chance to notice her.

"Daniel, darling, you're here! I wasn't expecting to see you so soon," she said, trying to kiss him welcome.

Daniel managed to duck in time and his gaze wandered to her abdomen. 

"You shouldn't be jumping on people like this," he warned her, sounding concerned.

"And you shouldn't be so serious all the time, Daniel."

She clutched his arm and dragged him off to her table. "I want you to tell me everything that's happened since I left Earth."

"We have time to catch up later. What happened to the child?" he asked in concern.

"What child?"

He looked  _ genuinely  _ concerned. "The one you told me about during the briefing," he explained.

"Oh, that one. He's fine, there weren't any serious consequences," she answered, wondering why he'd be so concerned about Mara's kid. Unless... But he didn't even know Mara so it had to be just his kind heart at work again. "The tea Teyla brought back today does wonders. Everybody's fine," she assured him and, offering him her own cup, said "Here, try it!"

Daniel took a sip.

o0o0o

At another table, Miranda and Major Couburn sat eating in silence. 

She was watching Daniel interact with Vala. There was something about that woman she didn't like. To be honest, she was irrationally irked by  _ any _ woman talking with him like that, but Vala really was too loud, too intrusive and too pushy to make a good match for him, she though.

"They make an interesting couple,” Major Couburn remarked.

She looked at him from across the table. "Interesting is a good word for it."

o0o0o

With a final click, Catherine had finished adding her story to the archive. There, that should teach them how it's done.

Feeling a  _ burning _ desire to see Col Sheppard --  _ John _ \-- she strongly decided against it and locked the door to the room. After reading so many romance scenes, her mind probably stopped functioning normally and she didn't trust herself outside the room -- least of all in his company.

To pass the time, she started work on another story, trying to outdo herself.

o0o0o

John was trying to read. He had picked up  _ War and Peace _ again and had actually made it to page 30 when a knock on the door and Teyla's voice distracted him.

"Colonel, I think you should see this," she said.

"What is it?" he said, jumping out of bed and heading for the door. Whenever he was called to see something, it wasn't a good sign.

"Everyone's acting weird."

He opened the door and gave her a curious look, when he was almost blinded by a flash. Another one followed and he wondered if this was what it felt like to be under the sights of the paparazzi.

"What the-" he interjected.

"Precisely," said Teyla.

"Can you please step aside, I want to ask Colonel Sheppard on a date!" said a woman from behind Teyla.

"Come on, you promised we'd draw to see who gets to ask him out!" another one cried.

There was what could be correctly assessed as a gaggle of women in the hallway, all fighting over who got to date John.

On his part, John was speechless. He had caught wind of the existence of his fan club, but he had never wished to come face to face with it, least of all when they were fangirling.

"Calm down girls, I'm not going out with anyone," he tried to calm them down, offering his most disarming smile.

A moment of silence followed before hell unleashed. Two of the closest women pushed Teyla aside, trying to reach the object of their affection. They were followed by most of the others.

John seized the moment to duck back into his room and lock the door before he heard two loud thumps behind it.

"I think you'll be safer in there!" cried Teyla "I'll go check on Ronon."

From behind the door, John chuckled. "You do that, he's probably up to his neck in fangirls!"

o0o0o

In the hallway before Teal'c's room, silence reigned. The few attempts at getting his attention had failed. From within the room, a fine ear could hear the sound of typing.

o0o0o

On her way to the mess hall, Sam had changed her mind. She didn't feel like meeting Daniel just yet. She returned to her room with a strange yearning for Jack's presence. She decided to write him a letter.

On her desk lay two empty mugs and a half-empty cup of tea.

It soon turned into a fairly sentimental letter.

o0o0o

Half an hour had passed since Teyla had left him. He could still hear voices in the hall.

A cry of victory got his attention and he thought he recognized the voice of one of Rodney's researchers.

"I've bypassed the protocol, girls!" she said. "Now, could you  _ please _ wait in an orderly line?"

The noise actually increased after her call for order. Worried they might actually break through; he grabbed his stunner, hoping he wouldn't get to use it.

A minute later, the door opened to let in a wave of women intent on getting their hands on him.

John wasn't the kind of man to be easily frightened, least of all by a bunch of women, but these ones looked thirsty for blood. He managed to duck around the first few, but had to use the stun gun on the ones guarding the door to prevent his escape. He bolted down the hallway, with the women still hot behind him. Fortunately, he knew a few shortcuts to the Gate Room and managed to hiss them. Here, he hoped Elizabeth could make some sense of the situation.

He rushed into her office and found her immersed in some important activity. She was reading something on her laptop and barely noticed him enter.

"Elizabeth?" he called, but she was still too immersed in her reading to notice.

"Elizabeth!"

She raised her head and finally noticed his presence. "Sorry, John. I was reading this... thing."

"Don't worry. Do you happen to know why we have hoards of women roaming the corridors in search of prey?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, looking at him as if she saw him for the first time. 

"I barely made it out in one piece!" he complained.

"Don't worry. We have the situation under control. McKay is working on it," she answered absently. 

"I was expecting Dr Heightmeyer to be working on this. What does Rodney have to do with charging fangirls? He doesn't even have any!"

"How about we go have lunch?" she suggested, looking meaningfully at him.

John backed out of the room before she could stand. "I'll check with Rodney, just in case."


	3. Chapter 3

Rodney felt he was going around in circles. He almost admired the person who had set up the archive -- they had hidden it so well, he always ended up where he started from.

Frustrated from his lack of results, he absentmindedly looked through the archive some more. He ran into some interesting fics about himself and John -- by now he was too traumatized to look. There had been one in particular that made his skin crawl -- it involved a romantic triangle which included a Wraith (what did people have with these things? They kept showing up in these stories. They were like a bunch of cockroaches -- unstoppable and fascinating).

o0o0o

Wandering down the corridors, John couldn’t help wondering where these women kept popping out from. He was certain there hadn’t been that much interest in him before.

To his surprise, there was quite a crowd waiting outside the lab, though who they were waiting for was a mystery. They seemed to be kept in check by one of the Japanese scientists, one of Rodney’s assistants. Come to think of it, maybe Rodney did have his share of fangirls too.

He decided to radio the scientist to make sure at least _one_ person around here, other than himself, was still thinking straight.

“Rodney?”

“I’m working on it!” came Rodney’s snappish retort.

“I’m glad to hear that, Rodney. But what exactly are you working on?” he asked.

“We seem to have a fan fiction archive on our intranet. I’m trying to figure out where it came from.”

John looked puzzled. “Fan fiction?” What was so terrible about that? “Do you know what’s been going on around here lately?”

“Everyone’s left the lab, there have been some strange looks, and I ran into a fanfiction archive that Radek has tried deleting three times already, and it keeps coming back -- which he hadn’t told me about until I asked, mind!” he explained indignantly.

“I still fail to see how that is a bad thing.”

“They’re slashing us, man!” Rodney eventually snapped, “Or shipping us off with the Wraith!” he added in an alarmed tone.

“It still makes no sense to me,” John said, giving up on the whole situation. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell him of the women waiting outside for him, either.

He decided it was best to contact the one person that should be handling the situation -- the psychiatrist.

“Dr. Heightmeyer, did Dr. Weir tell you what’s going on?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” she said, a bit confused.

“Well, everyone seems to be acting very, very weird. They’re definitely not themselves. The women especially seem to be affected.”

“I see...” she half-purred. “Then I should really look into it... after I have a long overdue chat with Ronon. Do you know where he might be?” she purred again.

John shook his head. “Not you, too!”

There was no helping it; this strange outbreak had afflicted everyone. In this jungle of craziness, he knew there was one last place he would find peace -- one person that hated him enough to feel safe around at a time like this. He hoped he could make it to her room without being noticed.

o0o0o

Mida sat, staring into her empty mug.

She had finished eating a while ago, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the mess hall just yet, not while Dr. Jackson and Vala were still there, not quite arguing. Her dislike of the woman seemed to increase throughout lunch. What made it even odder was that she felt the impulse to go up to Dr. Jackson and tell him how much he meant for her, tell him he was the reason she was here in the first place -- even if it hadn’t been her intention to follow in his footsteps.

It would have been so easy to slip back into her fangirl ways now that he was this close.

“Are you alright?” Maj. Coburn asked her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She was the last one still at the table, everyone else having gone to their rooms.

She looked up startled. “I’m fine,” she answered, calming down once she recognized him. “Just lost in thought.”

“Come on, then. I’ll walk you to your room before I look for Col Sheppard. I think there’s something odd going on around here.”

“You can say that again.”

o0o0o

Teal’c sat up and walked over to the large decanter on tea on the other table to pour himself some more before resuming his project.

o0o0o

“Daniel?” Vala asked sweetly, trying to change the subject. “Who’s that kid?”

Daniel looked as puzzled as the question deserved. “What kid?”

“The girl that came along with the new guys, I don’t remember her from Earth.” There was the slightest hint of jealousy in her voice, but not enough for Daniel to pick up on it.

Now, he wasn’t going to explain to her how the girl looked familiar or her behavior around him -- he had enough weirdness from Vala when she wasn't jealous. Before he could tell her there was nothing to tell, really, they were interrupted by a tall, blonde, young woman encircling her arms around Daniel’s neck.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” she squeed. “When I heard you came to Atlantis, I couldn’t believe it. I just had to check on my own.”

“Do I know you?” Daniel asked, struggling for air.

The woman untangled herself from around his neck under Vala’s glacial gaze. “It’s Alice; we worked on that thing with the Tok’ra”

Not that the information gave him any relevant clue about where he knew her from.

Luckily, Vala was of rather more help this time as she promptly grabbed Daniel by the arm and pulled him out of the mess hall with her. “Come on, I really need to show you something!” she explained as she carried him out of reach of any new form of competition.

In the hallway, they ran into a few groups of women, some looking for Sheppard, others for Ronon and others for guys Vala had never heard of before. Some of the women would turn after them, with a charming smile aimed at Daniel.

“Dr. Jackson, I never got the chance to tell you-”

Vala dealt with them promptly by pushing them aside and guiding Daniel after her. “Later, girls!”

Finally reaching her room, she opened the door and pushed Daniel inside before anyone else could interrupt. Well, now... If women all around the base seemed to be acting very unlike themselves, why not join in the fun? Not that this sort of behavior was un-Vala-like, but at least she had an excuse this time.

“Now, Daniel, there’s something I wanted to tell you for quite some time...” she said, walking toward him and making him back away -- back away into her bed.

Daniel cocked an eyebrow. “What’s the meaning of this, Vala?” he asked in an annoyed tone.

“Oh, don’t worry, Danny-boy! I am very much out of my senses at the moment,” she assured with a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

o0o0o

Teyla indignantly chased away another wave of fangirls -- it seemed to be her new job ever since this madness started.

“Look, Ronon, you can’t hide in there forever!” she said, annoyed.

His voice came muffled through the door. “I don’t have to stay here forever, just until these madwomen calm down,” he explained.

The sound of furniture scraping on the floor could be heard from his room. It wasn’t the first time that sound made itself known. Ronon had probably built himself a decent sized barricade by now.

“Would you at least let _me_ in? I’m sane. You know I am. I’ve been keeping them away for over an hour now, Ronon,” she pleaded.

“And that would be reason enough to question your sanity,” he answered gruffly. He sounded like he was carrying something heavy which he then set down with a grunt. “Besides, if I open this door, even if you are ‘sane,’ I risk letting the others in, which defeats the purpose of barricading the door in the first place.”

Teyla leaned against the door in defeat and slumped down, one hand covering her eyes. She should probably leave him and return to her own room, but she felt she couldn’t let all these women embarrass themselves like this, nor could she let Ronon seal himself in like this -- the situation was strange, true, but this was a bit of an over-reaction.

“Don’t you think you are overreacting?” she insisted. “What could I possibly do to you?”

There was a moment of silence. Eventually, he cleared his throat and spoke. “I don’t know what you could do to me. I do not know what they would do to me. I do not know what I would do to you. If this were a Wraith invasion, at least I would know what I had to do, but like this, I can only hope to let everything pass without trying to find out where it would lead if left unchecked,” he explained, hoping it made more sense to her than it did for him.

“If you say so,” Teyla replied.

Seeing Dr. Heightmeyer walking toward her, she stood up and forced her expression into a neutral one. “Are you looking for the women?” she asked, hoping someone would finally make some sense of the situation.

“Actually, I’m here to talk to Ronon,” she said evenly.

Teyla smile politely. “Good luck with that! He’s barricaded himself against female and Wraith intruders.”

“I think I might get through to him,” she said confidently.

She knocked on the door and was rewarded with a grunt.

“Ronon, it’s Dr. Heightmeyer. I think there’s something here we need to discuss.”

“And what would that be?” he asked suspiciously.

“About this. About your uncertainties, the ones that prevent you from opening up to the opposite sex,” she said in a professional voice, but her eyes told of feelings that were anything but professional.

Hearing her, Teyla couldn’t help snigger.

“You really should be more open to outside influences. This way, you leave yourself prey to frustration,” the doctor insisted.

It was clear the doctor had gone down the same road as her would-be patients for the day, though she would be a little harder to get rid of than the others, thought Teyla. To top it off, she was tired of having to deal with them all day. Maybe it was just easier to give in and join them.

She wrapped an arm around the doctor’s shoulders and guided her away from the door before Ronon decided to treat them as Wraith.

“I think he’ll be fine for now,” she told her. “Let’s have a nice cup of tea and discuss this frustration you are worried he might become prey to.”

o0o0o

The last few hours spent in the infirmary were quite nice -- Catherine and Rodney had left, leaving the actually flu-stricken to sleep and actually get better. The tea was lovely, all agreed, and it seemed to work quite fast.

Radek was already feeling better and waiting for a doctor to come along and tell him he could be on his way.

“Stephanie,” he called the nurse, “Can you get a doctor? I need to get back to work. I don’t want to have Rodney talking in my head all day,” he explained. Though Rodney had sounded rather immersed in the mystery of the fanfiction archive, Radek didn’t wish to have to explain via radio where what was since his last project or what happened to the results from yesterday’s experiment with the modified stun guns.

o0o0o

Sam stared at the letter she had written and wondered for a second if it had been such a good idea to set those thoughts to paper.

o0o0o

_He could feel the Wraith close behind him. The damned things seemed to be tracking him, always just one step behind. He wondered if this wasn’t just a game -- like a cat toying with a mouse, taunting it with freedom before gobbling it up without a second thought. If only he had a P-90 or his stunner with him, but those had been abandoned in the suicidal ambush they had prepared for the invaders._

_After a sharp turn, the darkness of the corridor was pierced by a single light shining at the other end of the hall. He hurried toward it, but hesitated before he knocked on the door._

_“Catherine, are you in there? Open quick!”_

_Catherine snapped shut her laptop and hurried toward the door. Hearing the desperation in his voice, she grabbed her stunner before opening the door. She pulled him in quickly and shut the door behind him before the first Wraith showed itself at the end of the hallway._

_“Are you alright?” she asked before she realized her worry was showing._

_“Yeah, thanks.”_

_“If I had known it was you, I’d have probably left you out there,” she said, knowing as well as he did that she was lying. “Why didn’t you head for Teyla’s room?” she asked reproachfully._

_“What does Teyla have to do with this?” The confusion and hurt in his voice were nearly painful to listen to._

_“You’re at her every beck and call,” Catherine started. “How many nights have you spent with her since you and me...” her voice broke down into a whimper._

_John carefully removed the stunner from her hand and wrapped her into an embrace. “Don’t be silly. We spent last night looking over possible strategies to counter a Wraith attack,” he assured her. He placed a kiss on the top of her head. “And there hasn’t been anyone else since... you and me...” he mimicked her hesitation._

_She jerked out of his embrace. “And you wait for a Wraith attack to tell me this?” this was the sort of anger that suited her better, not the jealous outbursts from earlier._

_“There might not be a better time anytime soon,” he protested and leaned in to steal a kiss._

_He needn’t have hurried for she was about to offer one herself._

A knock on the door startled Catherine out of her writing.

“Catherine, are you there? Open, quickly!” she could hear John’s voice from outside the door.

Snapping her laptop shut, she hurried toward the door which she opened hesitantly. The man before her looked like the Wraith had chased him through half of Atlantis. Without a second thought, she pulled him inside just in time to see a hoard of women hurrying down the corridor towards them. She closed the door before they could reach it.

o0o0o

Stephanie walked over to him, smiling. “There aren’t any doctors available, I’m afraid. There’s something odd going on in the city, and they’re either in the Lab working on it or in their rooms hiding,” she said. Seeing the worried expression on his face, she added, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. Some of the girls are a bit... excited, that’s all.”

“What do you mean ‘excited’?” She hadn’t managed to ease his worry.

“Nothing serious. I think it’s just a side effect of the flu,” she insisted.

The poor Czech looked helpless and confused as he searched for his glasses on the bedside table.

Stephanie had meant to check on Dr. McKay, but she didn’t dare brave the mass of women gathered outside the laboratory. Besides, the sight of Radek, freshly awoken, with tousled hair and that confused look in his eyes, was adorable. Maybe she didn’t need to go all the way to the lab, after all, the man before her had already been part of her fantasies -- it was time to offer him a leading role.

“We can deal with the formalities later; you look well enough to me. I say you can go home,” she said cheerily. “How about we go have a cup of tea?” she offered.

Radek stopped his search for the elusive glasses and turned to her “Maybe some other time,” he declined politely. “I think Rodney needs some help at the moment,” he said, pulling out his radio to contact his colleague. He wasn’t sure how to react to her offer, so he tried putting it off by returning to familiar problems -- like irascible Canadians and fan fiction archives. He didn’t expect to have his radio pulled out of his hand before he could even turn it on and to have the woman’s face so close to his.

“Come, now, Dr. Zelenka. You can go to the lab later. Dr. McKay can do without you for a few more hours,” she purred. “Shall we?” She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of bed, looking rather disheveled and intending to make him look even more so when she was through with him.

o0o0o

Stunned, Daniel watched Vala approach the bed, slowly unzipping her jacket to reveal nothing except skin and what a Lilliputian might claim to be a pink lace bra. He stared in fascination at her, swallowing hard and trying to keep his cool.

“I don’t think this is the time to-” he wanted to object, but she silenced him by climbing onto his lap and placing one finger on his lips.

“Shush,” she said. “We haven’t seen each other in a month now, and you won’t even let me kiss you hello,” she complained, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him towards her. “Don’t worry; I’m not gonna do anything you wouldn’t enjoy.”

“Vala-” Daniel tried to protest, but he was interrupted by her lips pressing against his. He would have given in, he wanted to give in, but he didn’t want to be caught up in her games. He knew her well enough to tell that it was a game, as always.

Her hand wandered down to his belt and began unbuckling it, but he caught it and, at the same time, pulled out of the kiss. “Not like this, Vala,” he reproached.

With a gleam of mischief in her eyes, Vala protested. “But you had nothing against it back in the inn, or does a girl have to get you drunk to have you in her bed?” She let go of his collar and placed the hand on his chest. “You can’t pretend I’m not welcome,” she said, looking down suggestively.

Daniel’s patience had reached its limit. He pushed her off, and hurriedly sat up. Running a hand through his hair, he frowned trying to think of something other than the half-naked woman on the bed and ran into an even more frustrating image -- himself waking up naked, tied to a bed in a tavern inn on a distant planet after too much alcohol and God knows what else she had done to his food. “That night is exactly what I want to talk to you about,” he said abruptly.

“Do you want a repeat of that or a reconstruction?” Vala asked, already pondering where she could get some rope and alcohol. “Some rope can’t be that difficult to find, and I’m sure there must be some alcohol in the kitchen,” she offered brightly and still rather topless.

“No to all of the above.” He stopped her before she bounded out of the room in search of ingredients for another night of fun, frustration, and future confusion. “I want to talk about the baby.”

“I told you, the baby’s fine. Why do you keep asking about it?” Vala asked, genuinely confused.

Daniel stared at her in amazement. “Why? There is the slightest of chances of me being the father. Of course I’m worried!” he snapped.

It was Vala’s turn to be stunned, confused, and furious. “What?” For the first time that evening, she was lost for words.

“What I don’t understand,” Daniel continued “is why you treat this like it isn’t even your problem!”

“It isn’t!”

“You’re pregnant, Vala. Of course it’s your problem!” he insisted, feeling a headache set in.

“I’m what?”

“Pregnant, it’s what they usually call it when you have a baby growing inside you!”

“I know what it means, Daniel and I think I’d be the first to know if I were,” Vala explained. “What I can’t understand is why you are going on and on about Mara’s baby!”

Daniel blinked a couple of times before frowning and eventually offering Vala the purest look of confusion. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or sorry, but he was definitely confused by all this. “Mara?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s what I was talking about. Now, how come there’s a chance you might be the father?” she asked him, finally catching the cause of this whole misunderstanding and deciding to play with it to his eternal confusion. He looked so cute when he frowned like that, and she just couldn’t help herself from teasing him. “You act all gentlemanly around me, always running away when I get too close, but you have nothing against sleeping with a married woman.”

There was that frown she loved so much. “I thought you were pregnant. I thought that night, at the inn-” but she shushed him, and he knew she was toying with him again.

“That night at the inn,” she began purring “was ... unforgettable, but I assure you, Daniel, that I am not pregnant.” She pulled closer and pressed herself against him. “But if you’d like to give it another try...”

With a sigh of relief, he untangled himself from her grip and pushed her toward the bed. “You should get some sleep,” he suggested, “And I should do the same.” He saw the wicked smile that was beginning to form on her lips and stopped it by adding “In my own room.”

Before he could reach the door, Vala stopped him again. “I don’t think it’s safe. Stay here, for now. I promise I’ll behave -- no need to fear for your innocence.”

Even if she did behave, impossible as that may seem, he worried he wouldn’t.

“I’ll take my chances.”

o0o0o

The alert showed up out of nowhere -- there was a new message waiting. Rodney gave it an annoyed look. “What now?”

He had good reason to be annoyed. He had spent all evening trying to bypass protocols and override passwords, and all he could tell was that this had been set up by a pro. If he weren’t so annoyed with the whole situation, he might have considered promoting the one responsible once he found who they were.

There was a new story added. Great! At least the pairing was a change -- John Sheppard/Catherine Spencer.

Wait, _what_? John/Catherine? After all the bashing Catherine got in all the other fics she was in?

The title was suggestive, _Up the Walls_ , exactly where this mess was already driving Rodney. Out of curiosity and maybe something else -- after all, he was officially sort of dating Catherine -- he opened the story and read through.

o0o0o

John had forgotten how small Catherine’s room was, a detail he wasn’t officially supposed to know.

He looked for someplace to sit, feeling awkward standing around like that, but the only thing he could see was the bed, and that would have made the situation all the more awkward.

“Thanks for that,” he said, pointing toward the door.

She was staring at him owlishly, like his presence there was challenging her perception of reality.

The way she looked made him question his own because the Catherine standing before him was nothing like the Catherine he was used to. Her long hair was falling loosely, framing her lovely face in honey-colored curls, and her austere, professional clothes were replaced by an oversized T-shirt and shorts that revealed far more than they covered.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. Maybe coming here wasn’t such a good idea.

“Thanks for what?” she asked. “What’s going on?”

He didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he took a step back, running a hand through his hair. He was stalling, and he knew it. Somehow, this new Catherine put him off balance, and he needed a moment to gather his thoughts.

“I’m... not sure. Some of our colleagues are acting strange – _stranger_ , you could say. I thought you might know something.”

“Strange how?” she asked, crossing her hands under her breasts and he couldn’t help looking.

He cleared his throat and forced his eyes up.

“I’ve been chased by a mob. A very friendly mob, but that still counts as odd, right?”

“Really? What do they want?” she pressed on.

For some reason, she seemed to grow more annoyed with every explanation he brought, and the sudden banging on her door didn’t help, either.

He shrugged. “My head? My shirt? My hand in marriage? How should I know?”

“Asking them might help,” she suggested, reaching for the control panel.

Acting on instinct alone, he grabbed her arm before she could open the goddamn door.

“What’s gotten into you?” he snapped. “I just told you! It’s a mob! I’m not going back out there!”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have riled them up, to begin with,” she hissed, trying to pry her hand out of his grip.

John felt his life shorten by a few hours from her stare alone. She wasn’t annoyed anymore. She was simmering with fury, but for the life of him, he couldn’t tell why. He was pretty sure he had yet to say anything stupid.

“Are you alright?” he asked carefully.

The question seemed to stun her for a moment.

“What are you doing in my room, anyway?” she asked, abruptly.

“Mostly, hiding. But I hoped you’d be able to help,” he said. “You _are_ a doctor.”

Catherine cocked her head to the side, pondering his answer.

“A surgeon and a virologist, but go on,” she finally said, her eyes traveling from his face to where his hand was still gripping her arm.

He released her, abruptly conscious of what he was doing, and took a step back. “Listen, they’ve been acting like that all evening, probably longer,” he tried to explain. “They’re not just after me. There’s a whole hoard of them waiting outside the lab for Rodney, God knows what Dr. Heightmeyer’s planning to do with Ronon, several officers have gone missing, the male doctors are locked in their rooms, Dr. Weir’s glued to her computer and has asked me out.”

Catherine shot him a murderous look. “Oh, has she?”

She reached for the panel again.

“Why don’t you take her up on her invitation?” she asked in a deceivingly sweet voice that shook a little with anger.

Something was definitely off. It was as if Catherine wasn’t even following the same conversation. If he hadn’t known better, he would have said she was jealous. But she couldn’t be. She had made her disinterest in him very clear.

Still, he couldn’t let her hand him to the mob, so he caught her arm again and pulled her away, just in case.

“You are not opening that door!” he ordered.

“The hell I’m not!” she snapped back, defiant.

Now she wasn’t avoiding his eyes. She was glaring daggers straight into them.

Before he could react, she ducked under his arm, twisting to reach the door with her other hand.

“Stop that!” he snapped, grabbing her other hand before she could touch the controls. “What’s wrong with you!?”

“Nothing! I just want you out of my room!”

She tried to push him away, but he pushed back, and they ended up awkwardly pressed against the wall behind her.

“I just need to stay out of their way until they cool down,” he tried to reason.

“Which you can do anywhere else,” she pointed out.

He considered that for a moment. Somehow, he couldn’t think of anywhere else to go under the circumstances. Who else could he have turned to?

But this wasn’t the issue here. She was acting strange, and it wasn’t the first time.

“Maybe we should have a little talk,” he hissed. “There’s so much we never talked about. Like why you changed your attitude towards me. There was a time you seemed to _like_ me.”

All of a sudden, she went utterly still in his grip, and the fury leached out of her eyes. He hadn’t even realized how intently she had been struggling before.

He should probably let her go, but then he would let go of his only chance for an explanation.

The silence stretched on.

“I didn’t,” she muttered, carefully avoiding his gaze.

The lie was so blatant he should have been blind to miss it. She closed her eyes, and his heart sped up a few beats.

He should leave it at that, he knew it. It was obvious he couldn’t get a straight answer without crossing too many boundaries. He went ahead anyway.

“We almost kissed and then-” he left the silence to speak for the inexplicable turn their relationship had taken along the way.

She responded, in turn, with silence.

It was a very, very tense silence.

“Look at me, Catherine,” he said more quietly.

This time, she listened. Her eyes fixed on his with overwhelming power. The raw desire and hurt burning in her eyes took him entirely by surprise.

He released her hands and stood unmoving before her. He could hear his heart pounding roughly against his temples.

He was too close to her. So close, he could feel her breath quick and warm on his throat. So close, he could smell her perfume.

He should take a step back. No, not should. Must. He had pushed it too far, but the way his body responded to her drowned everything else.

He wanted her. Needed her.

“If you want me to leave, say it now,” he said in a strained voice.

She didn’t answer.

She didn’t push him away, either.

The air between them grew heated and thick, filled with electricity.

Even the hallway outside seemed eerily quiet.

His thoughts fractured as he fought for control.

He should take a step back and go.

He shouldn’t be staring at her lips. Or think about her breasts, separated from his hands by nothing but a T-shirt.

They were wrong for each other.

She was a member of his team.

She was Rodney’s girlfriend.

But he had flirted with her long before that.

What was he doing in her room anyway?

Did he really come to her looking for help?

Why didn’t she ask him to leave?

She had to ask him to leave.

Had to.

Her voice was merely a whisper.

“Don’t go.”

The last traces of his control shattered away.

Reason be damned.

He wanted her so badly it hurt.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assured her.

Hesitantly, his left hand slipped under her T-shirt and cupped her breast, watching her face for the slightest hint of rejection.

Her large eyes stared up at him, pink lips parted and pupils wide with lust.

He could tell she wasn’t going to push him away.

It was still the wrong thing to do, and there was going to be hell to pay, but John just couldn’t bring himself to care. Not with her looking at him like that.

Abandoning all semblance of restraint, he lowered his mouth to her neck, his tongue tracing circles over her pulse. He felt rather than heard her sharp intake of breath as he nibbled behind her ear and took her lobe in his mouth, sucking gently before letting his tongue dart into her ear.

Before he truly knew what he was doing, he moved his right hand from the wall and lifted her until the only thing supporting her against the wall was the press of his hips against hers.

“John...”

He could feel her body strung so tight it was almost vibrating next to his and he shut his eyes, his lips seeking hers hungrily.

“What the hell are you doing paired up with my girlfriend?” Rodney’s annoyed voice sounded, loud and clear, on the radio.

He jumped back, almost dropping her off.

“What?!” he managed to say, his voice raspy and hoarse.

“ _John sat down next to her on the edge of her bed, lost for words. He knew he had pained her, but he was also aware she wouldn’t accept his words of comfort so soon after. Helpless, he took her into his arms and cradled her until her tears stopped flowing._

_Catherine looked up to find his worried eyes upon her, realizing with a start how close they actually were._

_Silently, he leaned in closer and gently pressed his lips to hers,_ ” Rodney read. “And it goes on like this for a few pages, should I go on?”

All of a sudden, Catherine tensed and choked. John looked up to see if the camera was active, but the little light was off. Misunderstanding her reaction, he tried to calm her by pointing out the offline camera.

She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. He took a step back and watched her silently as she walked as far as her small room permitted and sat on the edge of the bed, hiding her face in her palms.

John took a step toward her, then stopped, unsure of what to do.

“Where are you, by the way?” Rodney asked.

“Hiding from the mob,” John answered automatically. It wasn’t the full answer, but telling the truth felt worse, and he couldn’t bring himself to speak yet.

He turned his radio off.

“Catherine,” he called, not knowing what he should say. He had never been good with words. Or feelings. And he had obviously hurt her on a deeper level than he could have imagined.

It dawned on him that she hadn’t answered his question. He still had no idea what made her grow cold towards him all those months ago, right after their almost kiss.

He stepped closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t,” she pleaded, not raising her head from her hands.

For a moment, he didn’t move or say anything. There was nothing to say.

He walked out of the room.

o0o0o

When Elizabeth finally reached the end of the story, she was amazed. She had begun reading it out of a strange sort of impulse and had continued reading to the end out of curiosity, then outrage and eventually fascination. The story was good enough in its own right; she had to admit. If you ignored the fact that the story was a romance between herself and a goa’uld, you could probably even call it enjoyable.

She was about to call Rodney on the radio when the officer from earlier walked into the room.

“Maj. Coburn, did you find Col Sheppard?” she asked, offering him a friendly smile. It was uncanny how well he resembled the System Lord.

“That’s precisely why I’m here. Col Sheppard is nowhere to be found, and there seems to be a lot of commotion in the hallways.”

“Well, he was here earlier,” she said, and she suddenly blushed as she remembered asking him out. She wondered if she should apologize or go ahead and invite Rodney as well to make it less awkward. She reached for her mug and remembered it had been empty for the past seven chapters. “Have you tried our tea? Let's stock up on it. It seems to be very popular,” she said, walking around her desk toward Maj. Coburn.

“I have, but-”

“Dr. Weir, this is Dr. Meyer. We found something that might interest you,” came a voice over the radio.

“What is it, Dr. Meyer?” Elizabeth asked.

“We found the cause of the strange symptoms some of us have been showing lately.”

Elizabeth vaguely remembered John mentioning something of the sort, but she wasn’t quite sure what had been happening. “What strange symptoms?”

“Have you ever seen an Elvis concert?”

“I’ve seen recordings. Why?”

“Have you seen the girls in the audience?”

“The fans? Yes, they usually tend to be a bit... even these days.”

“That’s more or less what’s been happening here. Some of the women have been displaying obsessive behavior, usually directed at their male colleagues, reminiscent of those… fangirls.”

“What about the men?”

“They seem to have been afflicted as well, but the change was less obvious. Especially because they have taken to isolating themselves, making the symptoms harder to spot.”

“Do you happen to know where Col Sheppard is?” Elizabeth asked worriedly.

“Hiding, I think. There’s been talk of him being chased around the city by groups of very ardent admirers. The good news is, we found the cause -- that tea Teyla brought back yesterday. It did wonders against the flu, but it also acted like a drug in reaction to human sex hormones.”

Elizabeth gave her mug a wary look. At least she now had an excuse for earlier. “Is there anything you can do about it?”

“Not really, but the effects aren’t permanent and, once we run out of tea, everything should be back to normal in a few more hours.”

“OK, thank you, Dr. Meyer.”

o0o0o

On the other side of the city, a door opened to reveal a greatly disheveled Zelenka. His clothes were in disarray, his hair was tousled, and his glasses weren’t quite straight, but he was grinning, and he no longer looked quite as innocent as when Stephanie had taken him into her care.

o0o0o

The next morning, everyone was gathered in the briefing room, waiting for Elizabeth, who had called the meeting.

Except for John and Maj. Coburn exchanging lively remarks on the events of the previous day, the room was immersed in silence. There were, however, a lot of suggestive glances being exchanged by all else present.

Sam was looking guiltily around; glad she had come to her senses by morning and had torn up the very embarrassing letter she had written to Jack.

Vala had stayed up all night, surfing the intranet until she had found a fascinating story concerning herself and Daniel Jackson. The tone of the story was unmistakable, and the details were known to only a few people. She knew who wrote it, of course she did. What surprised her was to find that he would support this relationship. Her eyes kept darting over to Daniel as she smothered a knowing chuckle.

Daniel, however, kept avoiding Vala’s eyes, only glancing toward her every now and then to see if she was still looking at him. Her smile worried him the most.

Teal’c watched the two of them with some interest and a knowing smile.

Ronon seemed to be the only one still visibly affected by the drug, though in his case the effect had been paranoia. It had taken John half an hour to get him to take down the barricade and another twenty minutes to get him to lower his stunner. The said stunner was now on the table before him, in easy reach should Dr. Heightmeyer try anything.

Teyla kept a watchful eye on Ronon and his gun, ready to step in if he felt threatened.

Radek sat next to Rodney, with a smug air about him, daring the Canadian to say anything about it.

Rodney kept working on his tablet, every now and then throwing a quick look at Catherine and John, each seated at opposite ends of the table.

Catherine alone wasn’t looking at anybody, carefully examining her nails. There was a guilty air about her, but everyone was too preoccupied with their own affairs to worry about her. No one except John who knew precisely what was wrong but didn’t dare approach her under Rodney’s suspicious looks.

When Elizabeth finally arrived, even Maj. Coburn went quiet. The tension in the room had become almost tangible.

“Good morning, everyone. Yesterday was a rather eventful day. I expect you have been briefed on what caused the outbreak of abnormal behavior, so I won’t insist on the subject. As for the tea, the cooks assure me there is none left -- apparently it has all been consumed in the course of yesterday -- and I left instructions that none should be brought back again.”

There was a sigh from Radek’s end of the table.

“I had no idea it would have such effects. The villagers have been drinking it for generations without any obvious side effects. Terrans seem to be the only ones affected,” Teyla said, then gave Ronon a worried look and added, “and Ronon, but the effects on him have been the complete opposite.”

Everyone turned to Ronon, who looked a bit more tense than usual.

“I’m perfectly fine!” he snapped, trying to hide his initial move of reaching for his stunner.

Daniel frowned and gave Vala a knowing look, which she answered with the most innocent smile.

“I expect a detailed report about the events of yesterday and last night from every one of you and a detailed report from the medical staff,” Elizabeth said.

Catherine nodded absently, lost in her own thoughts.

Suddenly, Rodney jumped to his feet. “This can’t be!”

“And I expect a full report from you, Rodney, on the infamous fan fiction archive,” said Elizabeth, unsurprised by his outburst.

“What archive?” Coburn asked, confused.

John patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll explain later,” he promised before turning to Rodney, who was frantically tapping on his tablet and looking desperately around. “What can’t be?”

Radek, who had been looking over Rodney’s shoulder, answered for him. “He found what computer the archive has been created on.”

“Well?” asked Elizabeth.

“Mine,” said Rodney in a broken voice.

“That explains why I couldn’t bypass the protocols,” said Radek.

“It doesn’t explain how they got there in the first place!” Rodney retorted.

o0o0o

“What feelings are you talking about?” Catherine asked.

They were working on the final report on the tea incident, and the older woman was going over the test results.

“I can’t say I’m 100% sure. I mean, it’s alien tea, and it’s like nothing I’ve seen before, but if these tests are at all accurate, the substance only lowers or removes inhibitions. Just take a look at this. It seems to indicate that the attraction and craziness were already there in a mild, controlled form. If that’s the case, the tea only brought to the surface these subconscious desires.”

“I am inclined to agree with your conclusions. Can I ask you not to include this in your report? I mean, the situation is embarrassing enough as it is,” Catherine said, looking thoughtfully at the tablet.

John was standing outside the lab, having overheard the exchange.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but at least he could partially blame it on the tea. Nothing he had said or done the day before was in his character. Regardless of his... subconscious desires, he would never betray Rodney’s trust by hitting on his girlfriend. Nor Catherine’s by pushing like that.

Apologizing now would only make things worse, so he took one last look at her and left without saying a word.

o0o0o

Late in the evening, Catherine finally returned to her room and eagerly opened her laptop. The unfinished story was still waiting for her, and she hurriedly deleted it. She couldn’t risk having that unleashed in the world.

Thinking about it, it was probably a good idea to delete the other one as well. It was bad enough knowing that Rodney had read it already. She could only pray John knew nothing of it beside the fragment Rodney had obliged to read them.

She typed in the address of the archive and to her surprise found she had a couple hundred views as well as a dozen comments. She decided to read them, out of curiosity, before deleting the story and changing her nickname. Who would be as stupid as to choose Sheppard’s Girl as a screen name, anyway?

_Great work for a newbie._

_Update soon._

_Great chemistry, maybe they’ll get to it in real life soon._

That last comment made her fume. She really should delete the story as fast as possible.

There was also a message from the administrator, Kaname-chan.

_Sheppard’s Girl, great work on your first story and welcome to the club. I do have to give you a warning for not putting the correct rating; please remember to do so next time. Also, I backed up the archive last night after all the excitement, and you won’t be able to edit or operate any changes._

In the summary of the story, the warning for _lemon_ was added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!!!!!!  
> Life happened and we fell behind. But it's finally here!  
> Next installment in the series coming...eventually...  
> Thanks to everyone who's been sticking around so far and welcome to those joining us now.


End file.
